Recruitment of the British Isles (and the Republic of Ireland)

 Benedict was at a loss. He was in his adult flat, sat on his grown-up couch, with a maturely designed spoon in his hand, gulping - aged - ice cream. He grimaced and once again weighed the value of the ice cream's incredible flavour against the violent assault of the degenerating antibodies contained therein. He took another spoonful. The point of his wondering however, was not primarily out-of-date dairy products, but how, for all the evidence of maturity within his house, he had ended up with the phone numbers of four different teenagers, two of whom were almost unidentifiable as separate human beings. They called themselves Shaliza and their lore was insurmountable by the average storyteller.
 That, Benedict guessed, was where Joanne came in. Jo catalogued the rather dastardly events that had befallen the motley pairing of fangirls almost since the dawn of the ship. Benedict was still unsure of the rules around shipping, but since he was shipped with Martin Freeman, he doubted it was required to be taken in absolute seriousness. She also recorded the doom of herself and himself. This Quest that Martin was arranging was sure to end up in her Shaliza Codex. Well, that was assuming Martin would tell them where it was headed.
 The phone rang.
 "Hello," Ben answered.
 "Hi, it's Martin."
 "Ahoy there, Martin, oh brilliant captain in this 'ere venture!"
 "I said nothing about a boat. How did you know anything about a boat?"
 "I didn't even intend that to come out pirate. What's up?"
 "I need your help."
 "Duh."
 "I need your help for recruitment."
 "Don't you have enough?"
 "No ... I need more for ... well ... I can't tell you ... It's like being Moffat. I get to hold everyone in suspense."
 "Alright fine. Did you have anyone in mind?"
 "No, not really. Just find one more Scot, one more Welshie, one more Englishman, and then one from Northern Ireland and one from the Republic of Ireland."
 "Seems a bit far to avoid seeming racist."
 "Spoilers."

Northern Ireland

"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Colin Morgan?"
"Yep. Is this a fan?"
"Um, I like your work, but I'm really more of a peer. Benedict Cumberbatch."
"Oh, right, the otter. I was told you might call."
"Yes, I am the otter that makes phone calls. At your service."
"Merlin, Arthur's magical servant, at yours."
"Well that sounds like a Hobbit reference in which I'm a dragon so I'm not sure how co-operative I'd be in offering up my help. What I'm interested in, however, is will you help?"
"With what?"
"I've no idea."
"Sure."

Republic of Ireland

"Hello, I'm looking for Eoin?"
"You got him."
"Hi, it's Benedict Cumberbatch here. I'm looking for your assistance in making Martin Freeman happy."
"Can I bring my hairdryer?"
"Probably. Probably not."
"That's okay. It goes all wavy when it dries naturally so it'll be just like the old days on a quest to capture Morgana."
"Sounds good. I think. See you then."
"See ya."

Scotland

"Jamesy Boy!"
"Benny?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"What's going on away in ... where are you?"
"London."
"Right, hello other end of London!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot you lived here."
"Cheers."
"Now come on. You sir, are a recluse. How am I supposed to remember you live here?"
"How about the fact that I can see you."
"Huh?"
"You're just outside Waterstones."
"Ooh a stalker?"
"Ha-ha. Turn around."
James lifted his hand above his head and waved it like a palm leaf, "Oy, Cumberbatch!"
Ben's mouth creased into a grin as he greeted his friend in a similar mock formality, "McAvoy!"
 As they neared, Ben was quick to put forward his proposal.
 "Where's he want to go?" James asked, glancing somewhere behind Ben as he did so.
 "I don't know. I just know that I trust him."
 "Oh, I don't know. Hold on a wee sec."
 James trotted past Ben and crossed the road behind him at the Pelican crossing to a row of shops at the other side. He approached a woman with a buggy whom Ben recognised as Anne-Marie, James's wife. He should have known. James was far too busy. It is understandable, therefore, that he was extremely surprised when James returned and confirmed that he would go.
 "Just, call me when you find out where, okay?"

England

 Annoyingly, but somewhat in keeping with character, Simon didn't answer his landline. Benedict, like Sherlock, was reduced to texting. It wasn't enough to dupe him into wearing sun tan lotion in dots on his face for an entire day, no? Couldn't he just do this little thing like pick up his phone? Ben doubted he was even out. He was probably just waiting to see if a message was left, in order to validate a conversation with whoever was on the other end. Ben, with a heart as affable as Bilbo Baggins, would never understand the need to abandon manners.

Ben: Simon. Pick. Up. Your. Phone.

Simon: Hello. Cumbers. Wumbers. Bumbers.

Ben: do u wanna come on a real live quest with me and martin freeman and a bunch of others?

Simon: where?

Ben: will u ppl ever stop asking thatttt?

Simon: it is a fair question

Ben: we don't know yet. well, I don't

Simon: ok, fine, but only to keep you two together and happy

Ben: huh?

Simon: never mind. text me details later

Ben: can u not just pick uP YOUR PHONE??

Simon didn't reply. Typical.

Wales

"Hello, Alex?"
"Um, yeah, who is this?"
"It's Benedict Cumberbatch. I believe we met the other day?"
"Uh-HUH. GAHHHHHH. What the hell?! What's going on? How does Benedict bloody Cumberbatch have my phone number??"
 "A friend gave it to me."
 "A s d f g h j k l!"
 "What the?"
 "Never mind. What's going on though. W-why are you calling me?"
 "Because I have a request. Shaliza, Jo and Guntas are involved in a quest journey type thing with me, Martin and another heap of people. Martin asked me to recruit some people."
 "And you chose me?"
 "Well, I needed another Welshie. He's very keen to avoid racism is Martin. And I already had Alex Vlahos."
 "Right. Well, I'm the other Welsh Alex and I am most definitely on board."
 "Okay, and um, what is the last name of this Welsh Alex?"
 "Oakley, Alex the Oakley."

 And so the recruitment was done. Martin called later having announced the assignment of Simon Farnaby to the quest. There was still no news of its intent or of its route.

Martin's: Awesome Assemble

 Ben, Tom and both Simons were the first to arrive, before even Martin, though Martin did show up without much delay, accompanied by David Tennant, Matt Smith, Jenna-Louise Coleman, Catherine Tate and Karen Gillan. Ben doubted that, once everyone had arrived, that they would fit in Speedy's café.
 "Martin," Ben smiled as he greeted his friend, both still looking very much like their Sherlock characters, through hair mostly, "You going to tell us yet?"
 "Nope, not yet."
 Ben resolved to give up.
 The rest of the recruits seemed to turn up grouped by television show: the Sherlock cast first.
 Martin greeted them one by one, courteously, perhaps in Baggins mind-set, "Hello, Louise, lovely to see you. Ah, Andrew, glad you could make it. Hey there, Rupert. Moffaaaaaat! Oh, hello Lara! Right, that's two shows down. Who's up next?"
 Next came the teenagers. Shaliza both seemed exhausted, as if Eliza had picked up Shannen in Brighton and they'd run all the way from there. Alex, Guntas and Molly were not long after.
 "We were all together," Alex explained, "but Shaliza decided to run ahead."
 "We are more than one person," Eliza reminded him.
 "You locked your arms together and screamed Shaliza Infiniteva!" Guntas grinned.
 "That may be true but by God that was fun!" Shannen retorted.
 "Jo with you?" Ben asked.
 But they were distracted. They'd noticed the cluster of actors and could contain themselves no longer. Before Ben knew it, they had dissipated and dissolved into his colleagues.
 Next show was Merlin.
 Again Martin was at his politest, "Hello again Alex. Nice to meet you Bradley. Ah, m'ladies, Angel, Katie. Hello Eoin. Hi Colin."
 And this time it was Molly who lead the charge of the fangirls and fanboy

. Ben decided to name them fankids. It appeared that Molly had encountered two of these particular actors before – Alex Vlahos and Eoin Macken. It was explained to him later that she'd met them at the closest Comic Con to her. She'd broken down through sheer joy and, out of nowhere, Alex had offered her a hug to cheer her up. This was apparently her birthday, and a ruddy brilliant one at that. Ben floated towards this group, figuring there were only a few stragglers left to show up.

  “And then Jo tells Kajsa 'Hey, just thought you should know, she hugged your boyfriend'. Then we had a giant convo that we almost forgot to untag Alex and Kajsa from. That could have gotten very awkward,” Molly wrapped up her story and Alex Vlahos, to his credit, did not blush or turn away. He giggled along with the rest of them, just another fanboy. Seemingly that's what he was anyway: a great big Whovian.

  “Oh hey, Ben,” Eliza greeted him, “We're talking about who's spoken to who on twitter.”

Then it was Alex (the Oakley's) turn, “Martin tweeted me.”

  “Oh?” Martin looked confused, “Really? Because I don't have twitter.”

  “It was a Q&A for @TheHobbitMovie"

  “Oh yeah. I remember that. What's your @ name?”

  “Well, at the time, it was @generalnerdy.”

  “Yeah! You asked me about whether I'd rather hairy feet or hairy hands!”

 Something clicked in Guntas, “Uh-huh. We used the hairy feet thing in the vote bilbo campaign.”

  “The what?” Martin turned to Guntas.

  “So you never did get the award?” Guntas asked, “All our hard work.”

  “Huh?”

  “We – me, Jo, loads of Ringers – we all lost loads of followers trying to beat snow white.”

  “Oh, right, the MTV movie awards. I heard about it and thank you, all of you genuinely,” Martin's smile was so gracious Ben felt that he himself was being thanked for something, “but no I never did get the award.”

  “Ah, well then,” a voice from behind muttered, “All the more reason to join the GA.”

 Ben swivelled around and there was Jo, accompanied by the last to check in, James McAvoy, star of the film in which Ben played a paedophile, and star of another in which Ben played a stuck-up know-it-all who looked out only for himself. Ben noticed a pattern. He ignored it. Jo greeted the fankids, Molly most excitedly, for they'd never actually united.

 And so The Company was assembled, here for a trip to God knows where, to do Merlin knows what.

 

List

 Hi, Jo again. I'll leave you soon and get back to the brotp. I just want to give you our full list of members.

Martin Freeman
Benedict Cumberbatch
Alex Vlahos
Louise Brealey
Karen Gillan
David Tennant
Matt Smith
Jenna-Louise Coleman
Catherine Tate
Andrew Scott
Bradley James
Angel Coulby
Katie McGrath
James McAvoy
Simon Pegg
Tom Hiddleston
Simon Farnaby
Eoin Macken
Colin Morgan
Rupert Graves
Stephen Moffat
Lara Pulver

and then us:

Shannen: @Moffatsdivision
Eliza: @cupcakelock
Alex: @L3STRADE
Guntas: @GuntasKaurKohli
Me: @joanneabiscuit
Oh, and we got a hold of Molly, one of my closest Twitterfriends, too: @DoctorMolliarty

Anyway, bye. I'll probably be back some time to bother you.

The Quest

Three weeks later:

Eventually, regretfully, I'd had to bid farewell to our merry company and return to the barren wilderness of my homeland. I say barren, but Glasgow has still got two open and fairly stable HMV's only about fifteen minutes from each other. In fact, the one on Argyll Street marks its entrance with a photograph of Martin as Bilbo dominating the ten or so square metres preceding the door. It's like printed onto the wall itself, immune to vandals.

Speaking of which, #votebilbo won the war, despite losing a multitude of battles just out the starting gate. But enough about that. If you're intrigued, speak to @LTGothmog.

It was not until the midst of my exams that the fabulous Shaliza next made contact with me. Curiously, it occurred over Facebook, which is sort of like if Benedict showed up in a new Twilight movie; it just doesn't fit. Twitter is our home and it's only when we go on hiatus that we ever seem to stray into such strange territory as Facebook.
I was, at the time, hovering around the James McAvoy Fan Club group, making a mental note of material of his to watch. I'm desperate to see one in particular, but it's an 18. Grr. A bleep signalled that i was being messaged. Furrowing my brow, I clicked on Messages.

Eliza: Eliza Dickinson, haaaaiiiiiiiiiii

Shannen: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Jo

Me: hi there. Wassup?

Eliza: We're going on an adventure!

Me: SORRY?

Shannen: Martin's already recruited Ben, Alex Vlahos, Louise Brealey, Karen Gillan, David Tennant, Matt Smith, Jenna-Louise Coleman, Catherine Tate, Andrew Scott, Bradley James, Angel Coulby and Katie McGrath. He says they're still recruiting.

Me: jesus. Thats loads!

Shannen: yh and he's still looking for ppl

Me: im not sure he needs many more! That company already sounds a w e s o m e

Eliza: yh like lotr :)

Me: except without all the wizards and hobbits and stuff

Shannen: yup, just a hedgehog and an otter. So r u coming or not?

 By now the summer holidays were almost at a close, with only three weeks remaining. How was I going to convince my parents to yet again let me go not only to England but to its southern half, to its big city, with people they'd never met, apparently now some whom I'd never met either? It seemed an impossibility.

Me: I dunno. I'll try but I don't know if i'll be able to convince my parents to pay for  trains and accommodation and food and everything, especially since i only returned less than a month ago.

Eliza: aha! Martin is prepared! You may have noticed that not all recruits are currently located within a couple of hours of each other. He's paying to get you all there and for your accommodation. All you'd have to pay for is food.

Shannen: he's not actually said that we're staying in London but that's definitely where we're all meeting. Recruitment ends this week. After that we're all supposed to meet at Speedy's.

Me: Speedy's! Cool! Are they filming just now?

Eliza: I think they are and this week is probably the week they finish since whatever he's planning starts in the next.

Me: okay, I'll do my best

Did I make it? You'll see.

Brief Intermission From the Fic

I want to take a moment out of the fic to tell a real life Shaliza story. I'm not going to narrate because I wasn't there, which believe me made me explode that day. See, recently Shaliza became canon.
 It was at setlock and although they didn't meet any actors they did meet each other. Guntas, recurring character from most of my posts, proclaimed her love for Martin Freeman at tumultuous volume. Guntas did not meet our stars, that is Shannen and Eliza. That day Shaliza befriended the crew and ate chips from Speedy's, just like any other friends. In fact, on returning home Eliza's mum declared that she wouldn't mind if she wanted to meet up with Shannen again. She ships it.
 The point of this tiny little post was to prove once and for all that Twitterfriends are real.

The Tumblr Taboo

"So what's up with vlavla?" Eliza asked.
Martin, Eliza and Shannen were sat on the shopping centre couch overlooking various water features and bustling shoppers, local and tourist alike. It was like watching television, Eliza decided. All those people, with their own stories, bleak and mundane, animated and lively, all converging on this location, this place in time that each and every person had in common.
"Oh I don't know. What am I, the village shrink?" Martin replied, "He's been down ever since I met him."
"When was that?" Shannen asked.
"Couple of weeks probably," Martin replied, "Anyway, what's Shaliza?"
Eliza spluttered, "Where'd you hear about that?"
"Jo," he answered, "What is it?"
"Um ... you know how like Johnlock or Freebatch?" Shannen prompted.
"Johnlock yes. Freebatch is a new one," his eyes widened and he stared straight ahead to the opposite row of shops.
"Well," Eliza began, "Shaliza's sort of like that, it's a bro-tp. Totally platonic."
"And I take it Freebatch isn't?"
"Among the people we talk to it usually is ... just don't venture too far into tumblr," Shannen warned.
"I tend not to anyway. As I said, I am WELL aware of johnlock."

 Vlavla certainly was down, and he had perfectly good reason to be. He'd always thought that perhaps one day he'd have the opportunity to choose between two projects that both requested his services, both job offers, not auditions. What he'd not anticipated was the inability to make said choice. Two incredible roles, one opening. Two major advantages, one to each. How was he supposed to favour either role: one a movie adaptation - his first truly, properly major movie - of his interpretation of Dorian Gray, the other the once in a lifetime offer, the dream for any male British actor, the Doctor. Steven Moffat had called his agent only that week, invited him out to dinner, then announced that they'd be joined by Benedict, Martin and a few fans.
 The issue was that whichever one he chose, he'd be forced to surrender the other. How the hell was he meant to decide? He knew he should do the movie, it would be better for his career. But it was Doctor Who, it'd be far better for his inner fanboy.
 He didn't know. He was sitting on a wall outside the cinema near his London hotel, his hands wrapped around his neck for support. Around him people went about their lives, making their own decisions as fast as they walked. He wasn't sure he could remember the feeling of coming to a conclusion and he'd only had this problem four days. He ruffled his hair and yawned.
 A figure, he noticed, was approaching at a brisk pace. As it neared, it dawned on him that the figure was one Martin Freeman.
"Hello," he greeted Martin.
"Hi, do you fancy going on a quest?"

Patticake With Four

warning: contains a spolier for 'Divergent' by Veronica Roth

My Italian pronunciation has never been admirable, despite my dedication to the country's cuisine. I therefore only pointed at the dish I desired and smiled an apology at the waiter. Although when he opened his mouth I determined he was not from Italy but closer to somewhere in Eastern Europe. We were arranged alternatively adult, kid, adult kid - Eliza, Moffat, me, Ben, Shannen, Martin, Guntas and, for some reason Alex Vlahos who was between Guntas and Eliza. Evidently, he'd become quite close to Steven and another Doctor Who writer. Wonder why...
"So, Ben says you want to be a writer," Moffat turned to me.
"Yeah. I did NaNoWriMo in twenty-twelve. Fifty thousand words in thirty days!"
"Good start."
Then the conversation took a nerdy surge towards books. We talked for the whole meal about all manner of stories: obvious ones like Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, obscure ones like the Belgariad, TimeRiders. As well as some sort of in the middle, like Divergent, a teen fantasy I'd recently read and had pictured one of the main characters as Alex.
"Oh I read that. What, do you mean Four? You pictured me as Four? Well that IS flattering. Also awkward considering how he and the narrator eventually hook up but you weren't to know that!"
Alex's eyes darted to his food and I felt I should apologise but what to apologise for really stumped me.
We left that particular book there and discussed the TimeRiders series by Alex Scarrow at great length. Alex seemed a bit dejected throughout. Obviously something bigger was bugging him but I did NOT see now as the time to ask. Surely somebody would later, maybe somebody he knew a little better than the fangirl who'd basically just declared she saw him as a teenage Dauntless instructor who would climb a Ferris wheel to make sure I didn't fall.
When the meal finally wound to a close, we separated into two cars that would do the rounds and drop everyone off at their respective destinations. I was with Ben, Alex and Shannen, while Guntas, Eliza, Moffat and Martin occupied the other car. I was sat in the back behind the passenger seat with Ben driving and Shannen in the passenger seat. Alex was in the seat behind Ben. I guess he must have gotten used to fangirls by now because the air between us was fully cleared and we even played games. For ages, we played that one where you put your own hands together then hold them out close to the other person's then try to avoid getting slapped.
I think Shannen was tweeting Eliza the whole time because she kept laughing and telling us their conversation.

S: ben wants 2 know where hes goin
E: moffat says just 2 follow us
S: yh and then he leads us all 2 our death by tall building
E: ohmygod what if he poisoned the food?
S: haha maybe cos alex seemed down all night & hes perfectly content now playin patticake with jo
E: oh god that image i cant!!

And so on and so forth.